Jesus Monster

Pre-K Jargon File

About a year ago, my wife and I were in the midst of watching the classic Stephen Fry/Hugh Laurie-helmed Jeeves and Wooster and we were allowing our kids to watch it along with us. We had been watching episodes each evening and the kids were keeping up well, though one night my at-the-time 2-year-old daughter fell ill. We put her to bed and watched our normal episode or two with our eldest.

The next morning, our daughter arose and demanded she be shown “Jesus Monster”. We scratched our heads in puzzlement until we realized that she was, in fact, asking to see the episode she had missed out on the previous night. In the spirit of the ever-valuable, ever-geeky Jargon File, I decided to catalog the various amusing and/or endearing malapropisms that my children have churned out over the years.

What follows is by no means comprehensive, but merely a sampling of the ones I have been able to jot down, catalog or otherwise remember.
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Compound German Neologism Of The Day: Vergeblicherufnummer-suchemüherealisierung

This entry is part 3 of 3 in the series Compound German Neologism Of The Day


Literally: wasted telephone number search-effort realization
The dawning realization that the business phone number you just spent five minutes tracking down on Google was, in fact, already stored in your phone’s contact list, primarily due to the fact that you previously spent five minutes looking for the exact same number the last time you needed it.

Compound German Neologism Of The Day: Verlorenfreund-überraschenfalschgefähl-geburtstaggrüssung

This entry is part 2 of 3 in the series Compound German Neologism Of The Day


Literally: Surprised by a lost friend fake enthusiastic birthday greeting
The false bravado one adopts upon encountering an estranged friend while attending a third party’s child’s birthday party.

(Ref. inspiration)

Compound German Neologism Of The Day: Apfelzerstörenangst

This entry is part 1 of 3 in the series Compound German Neologism Of The Day


Literally: Apple destroying anxiety or dread
The sense of existential dread one experiences in the moments after dropping one’s lunch sack and having heard a sickening “thunk”, thus assuring the bruised-beyond-recognition of one’s apple.

“SAT Words”

I used to be regularly derided by friends and acquaintances of all stripe for my use of “SAT words”, generally defined as words that do not see regular use in the populace at large and thus achieve a “nerdy” gloss. In fact, so distinct is my proclivity towards these sorts of words that they were eventually labeled “Doug words” by my college mates.

Well, mates, I have three words for you: post hoc validation. Houghton Mifflin has published their list of 100 Words Every High School Graduate Should Know. Note that: high school graduates. And, do you know how it starts out? With words that y’all would call “Doug” words. To wit:


Upon further consideration, cruder men than I might have an additional word or two to add, unprintable in a family-friendly setting. Instead, I shall abjure any churlish displays of unctuous verbiage and instead state simply: neener neener.