Ouch. That’s Going To Leave A (Legal) Mark.

Rare is the time that I am brought almost to tears of mirth by judicial opinions, but I must make an exception for the exquisitely sarcastic pennings of the Hon. Samuel B. Kent of the Galveston (TX) District. From an order dismissing a tort suit, we have the following:

Before proceeding further, the Court notes that this case involves two extremely likable lawyers, who have together delivered some of the most amateurish pleadings ever to cross the hallowed causeway into Galveston, an effort which leads the Court to surmise but one plausible explanation. Both attorneys have obviously entered into a secret pact — complete with hats, handshakes and cryptic words — to draft their pleadings entirely in crayon on the back sides of gravy-stained paper place mats, in the hope that the Court would be so charmed by their child-like efforts that their utter dearth of legal authorities in their briefing would go unnoticed. Whatever actually occurred, the Court is now faced with the daunting task of deciphering their submissions.
With Big Chief tablet readied, thick black pencil in hand, and a devil-may-care laugh in the face of death, life on the razor’s edge sense of exhilaration, the Court begins.

It gets better from there. Read the whole thing and then marvel at Kent’s denial of a change of venue request and his sua sponte transfer order for a Bolivian tobacco lawsuit. Make sure to read his footnotes.