Amidst Rising Gasoline Prices, President And Congress Agree To Take Bold Steps

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) – Prompted by growing concerns from consumers nationwide, President Bush has petitioned Congressional leaders for sweeping authority to address rising gasoline costs. In a meeting with Congressional leaders from both the Senate and the House, Bush asked for further expansions to his authority to address skyrocketing energy prices.
“I appreciate the Congress’ willingness to consider my request for more direct control over efficiency standards,” Bush told reporters at an impromptu press conference following the meeting. “I know that some people have accused us in the government of petty demagoguery, misapplication of Socialistic rhetoric and a basic misunderstanding of economics; to them I say: I have an MBA from Harvard. I know economicology and can do a lot to ease people’s burdens, if I’m made the decider on these issues. That’s why I’ve asked the Congress to repeal the basic laws that govern macroeconomics. If I’m given a line-item veto over basic economic principles, then I can take bold steps towards making gasoline $1 a gallon again.”
Congressional reaction to Bush’s request has thus far been mixed. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R, Quisling) expressed excitement over the proposal, welcoming “[A]nything that gets us away from the immigration debate. Man, was that an electoral bloodbath waiting to happen!” while Senator Charles “Chucky Schmucky” Schumer (D, Candyland) seemed amused by Bush’s tactics. “Ignorance of fundamental economic realities and policy implications have long been a hallmark of Democratic proposals. I’m glad to see that the President is finally coming around to our way of thinking. Is that a camera? If you’ll excuse me.”
Congress will reportedly consider Bush’s request some time next week, after which they will address his proposal to revoke the first law of thermodynamics because, as Bush has previously stated “[T]hat would make it WAY easier to get people to Mars. Congress makes the laws, so they should be able to repeal them as well. I look forward to their action on this important matter and I promise to sign any bill that addresses such a fundamental problem of physicality.”