Satirists the world over are given a gigantic stage upon which to display their talents. You’ve seen Ok Go’s “This Too Shall Pass”, now watch the pitch-perfect dissection of a fondscarring childhood memory, disguised as a parody of the aforementioned song:
WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) – Prompted by growing concerns from consumers nationwide, President Bush has petitioned Congressional leaders for sweeping authority to address rising gasoline costs. In a meeting with Congressional leaders from both the Senate and the House, Bush asked for further expansions to his authority to address skyrocketing energy prices.
“I appreciate the Congress’ willingness to consider my request for more direct control over efficiency standards,” Bush told reporters at an impromptu press conference following the meeting. “I know that some people have accused us in the government of petty demagoguery, misapplication of Socialistic rhetoric and a basic misunderstanding of economics; to them I say: I have an MBA from Harvard. I know economicology and can do a lot to ease people’s burdens, if I’m made the decider on these issues. That’s why I’ve asked the Congress to repeal the basic laws that govern macroeconomics. If I’m given a line-item veto over basic economic principles, then I can take bold steps towards making gasoline $1 a gallon again.”
Congressional reaction to Bush’s request has thus far been mixed. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R, Quisling) expressed excitement over the proposal, welcoming “[A]nything that gets us away from the immigration debate. Man, was that an electoral bloodbath waiting to happen!” while Senator Charles “Chucky Schmucky” Schumer (D, Candyland) seemed amused by Bush’s tactics. “Ignorance of fundamental economic realities and policy implications have long been a hallmark of Democratic proposals. I’m glad to see that the President is finally coming around to our way of thinking. Is that a camera? If you’ll excuse me.”
Congress will reportedly consider Bush’s request some time next week, after which they will address his proposal to revoke the first law of thermodynamics because, as Bush has previously stated “[T]hat would make it WAY easier to get people to Mars. Congress makes the laws, so they should be able to repeal them as well. I look forward to their action on this important matter and I promise to sign any bill that addresses such a fundamental problem of physicality.”
Christians don’t even have a word for “fatwa”! Know why? Jesus.
Jesus is all peace and love, and, whatever the merits of that message, that won’t frighten the media away from making fun of you. As we’ve seen, believable threats of violence and death tend to make people more sensitive about your feelings. Too many Christians, though, won’t murder an infidel or a blasphemer because it’s not “what Jesus would have wanted.” Well, as long you’re hiding behind that excuse, who is going to be afraid of us?
Remember back when Christians stopped listening to Jesus and murdered whomever they didn’t like? How many people mocked Christianity during the Spanish Inquisition? Not very many people at all.
Frankly, I have little room to complain, as I’ve been listening a bit too much to Jesus too. Last time my Christian sensibilities were offended, know how many embassies I burned?
One or less.
Dear Weather Channel,
Is it normal to see lightning in Pennsylvania in late January? ‘Cause, you know, that’s exactly what I saw last night. Heard thunder too. My contention is that the answer is “no, it’s not normal”. Is there anything you can do about this, what with your Doppler 10,000 radars and all?
P.S.: Where’s my snow? I demand a refund!
P.P.S.: I think the Russians may have stolen our snow, initiating a new Cold War. What are your plans to deal with this new Red Menace?
WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) — A new wrinkle has emerged in the growing battle over President Bush’s Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, sending an already troubled White House reeling. White House staffers stand accused of attempting to “astroturf” an online poll showing massive opposition to the Miers nomination.
Blogger N.Z. Bear, who has been soliciting endorsements and non-endorsements of Miers by other bloggers, noticed something amiss late Monday night. “Reactions to [the Miers nomination] had largely been negative up to that point,” said Bear. “We had roughly 230 bloggers opposing the nomination and around 45 supporting it, so I thought it particularly odd that those supporting the nomination would have jumped to around 138,000 by Monday night.”
Conservative opponents to the nomination were quick to level charges of fraud against the White House itself, claiming that the Bush administration was using “splogs” to falsely inflate the numbers of supporters in an effort to deflect criticism.
Scott McClellan, White House spokesman, categorically denied any involvement by the Bush administration. “Why would we need to fake such a thing? This enormous, sudden groundswell of support just goes to show how pleased the small business community is with the nomination of Harriet Miers. The President is pleased that so many vendors of natural male enhancement products, XBOX360’s and PlayStation3’s and small-scale online gambling outfits have seen fit to endorse Ms. Miers in such a strong fashion. He is particularly heartened by the support of the leagues of Texas Hold ‘Em sites and is planning on having several of them attend a press conference in which they will vouch for Ms. Miers’ pro-business stances.”
Reaction from conservative bloggers of all stripes has been swift and vicious. “The White House has been caught red-handed trying to force Harriet Miers down the throats of the American people,” said well-known conservative blogger Michelle Malkin. “More here, here and here,” she continued, pointing first to her head, then to her posterior, then her foot. “Sorry, sometimes I just get in a groove.” Conservative lawyer Patterico, an outspoken critic of the Miers nomination, was unable to be interviewed due to an ongoing suicide watch, while Jeff Goldstein, former English professor and all-around raconteur issued a profanity-laden statement unfit for print and then proceeded to perform a puppet show rendition of Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas, substituting George Bush for Hunter S. Thompson and Harriet Miers for his lawyer using a dirty table napkin and a shaker of salt.
Conservative supporters of the Miers nomination, however, were quick to try to put a good spin on the White House’s tactic. “The President is using a tactic to highlight the immense public support for Ms. Miers that, to this point, has been largely silent,” said Hugh Hewitt, conservative talk radio host and noted author. “In fact, his highly legitimate course of action is providing me with the impetus to write my new book, Splogs: Changing the Face of Online Politics Hundreds (of Thousands) of Sites at a Time.” One Houston-area blogger William Dyer, who goes by the name of “Beldar” on his blog, emphatically endorsed the White House’s tactic as “well within the bounds of proper political moves. The critics of this [tactic] simply don’t understand the inner workings of a White House staff and should therefore hold their fire until the [Senate] Judiciary Committee hearings.”
Liberal reaction has largely been muted. Jeralynn Meritt of TalkLeft chuckled softly and then declined to comment, noting that “[I]t’s best to stand out of the way when one’s enemies are making complete fools of themselves”, while the outspoken Oliver Willis was unavailable for comment, having fallen into a fit of laughter upon hearing the news of the Bush administration’s misstep.