Holy Cuppa…!

Cup. O. Chino.
It’s a bit of a running joke amongst my family members that my parents tend to make coffee a tad on the weak side of the spectrum. That, coupled with their penchant for decaf tends to make each coffee-drinking episode at their house a frustrating one for one so caffeine-addicted as I.
Recently, on our way back from my parents’ place, my wife and I were discussing this phenomenon when I quipped “Well, they’ve always made ‘Catholic Coffee’,” an expression that was met with a look of confusion on her face. I explained “You know, they take a handful of coffee grounds, make the Sign of the Cross over a pot of boiling water and call it ‘coffee’.” Without missing a beat, she returned “So does that make French-pressed coffee ‘Baptist’?”
I knew there was a good reason I married this woman.
We spent a good while afterwards suggesting other potential religional correlations, such as Episcopal (exactly like Catholic Coffee, except you make sure your back is facing Rome when you make it), Presbyterian (coffee by committee), Methodist (the end product doesn’t really matter and isn’t assured, it’s the process of making the coffee that counts), Scientological (“75 Million Years Ago, Dark Lord Valdez Ruled The Universe With An Iron, Java-Laden Fist…”), and even Mormon (“Coff-what now?”). Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.
(Picture courtesy of/© Refracted Moments)


I don’t know if a Jewish cup of coffee has consistent strength attributes but there is one attribute that I am sure of. It is a bottomless cup, brewed, regardless if anyone is going to drink it, immediately following dinner (if there is company).

Buddhist, just a freaking buffet of coffee going around and you choose which one suits you best.

That’s more Unitarian Universalist. Buddhist Coffee would

  1. Be an illusion
  2. Comprise largely of pain
  3. Repeat each morning, with the quality varying largely based upon just how well you handled yesterday’s cup

And Aron, as far as Jewish coffee goes, I’d imagine there would have to be different blends for Conservative, Reform and Orthodox . Kabballah Coffee would definitely be made by golems, though.

aaaaaahem. This has been duly noted. You will rue the day, son. Next time–your spoon will dissolve. No tinkle-coffee for you! Thus sayeth the Coffee Nazi.

Bring on the strong coffee. It can’t be anywhere near as bad as Aron’s Special Study Brew, which consisted of brewing a pot of extra dark roast, changing the grounds, pouring the pot of coffee back in the coffee maker and running it through that second batch of grounds. It would grow hair on your chest at a distance of 25 yards or so.
Also, you know who else liked to make really strong coffee? Hitl… Crud, you already self-Godwinned.