Facts That Have Come To My Attention Over The 4 Month Span Of My Son’s Life (Thus Far)

  1. I had always assumed that the amount of laundry I would be doing would rise simply because we were adding a third person’s clothes to the laundry schedule; this is incorrect. I did not foresee the additional adult laundry load that would be incurred by said third person spitting up, peeing, etc. on my clothes.
  2. In the early going, longer bouts of crying on Will’s part could bring me to tears as well, regardless of their proximate cause. I have now learned to distinguish between hungry, tired, bored and frightened cries and can weight my reactions accordingly.
  3. There are very few moments in which it is socially acceptable to poop on a sofa slipcover – all of them require that you be less than 6 months in age.
  4. There exists some list, somewhere where all the things that “good” parents “must” buy their children in order to not “deprive” them. This list is impossibly long and also impossible to afford, no matter your yearly income. This list is also entirely a fabrication, constructed by the likes of Graco, Gerber, and Evenflo in order to sell more of their products. However, when you are made to realize that you have not, in fact, supplied your child with every conceivable ammenity known to Mankind, the overwhelming sense of guilt is staggering. Should you be foolish enough to admit that you have not purchased Product X for your wee one in the presence of other “good” parents who have purchased said product, you may receive glares normally reserved for pornographers and magazine salesmen.
  5. The worst day of work ever can be forgotten in the instant following the first “Daddy’s home” smile you receive.
  6. You will find yourself subtly competing with other parents without even realizing it, particularly if you have promised yourself that you will not engage in such behavior.
  7. There is an immediacy to the love that a parent feels for their child, one that is entirely different from the love felt for their spouse. Spousal love is almost always built over time and relies upon a familiarity and a constructed connection with the other; parental love is almost instinctual and less constructed than obtained. It is impossible to describe to those who have not held their own flesh and blood for the first time and had that blood look back at them with eyes wide with wonder.

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