I don’t know if y’all have seen (and, presumably, laughed uproariously at) Chariman Dean’s recent
comedy bitspeech, but it reads like pure comedy gold. Had me in stitches, actually:
“Karl Rove says that the Republicans are going to win on the issue of defense. I submit to you that if the issue is defense, the Republicans will lose because this is the weakest Administration on defense that we’ve seen in many, many years. What I mean is this. For five years this President has been in the White House. For five years North Korea continues to possess nuclear weapons. For five years this Administration has been in the White House, Iran moves closer every day to producing nuclear weapons. For four years, Osama Bin Laden has been on the loose and remains so. And today we see the specter, as reported in the Jerusalem post- of a company that is about to take over American ports, which actively continues today to boycott Israel.
“The Democrats have a better idea. First we will conclude the negotiations with the Chinese and the North Koreans to disarm North Korea. Secondly, under no circumstances will a Democratic Administration ever allow Iran to become a nuclear power. Three, we will kill or capture Osama bin Laden and four, the authority and the control of the ports of the United States must be retained by American companies.
You may go and read the whole transcript, if you’re particularly in the mood for a laugh, but why bother?
While this speech obviously leaves itself open to all manner of critiques on its substance (a critical task he ably performs here), Jeff Goldstein decided to go for the rhetorical jugular by doing his level best at lampooning Dean:
[Edited for content and to fit your television screen. -ed.] More of a 5 point plan, really, when you think about it.
Howard Dean draws up his 4-point plan to become a SUPERHERO
- Develop some sort of super strength or other unusual attribute that would provide him with an advantage over ordinary humans. Like, say, X-ray vision, or an elastic neck, or the ability to move [stuff] around by concentrating really really hard.*
- Use that power for GOOD by KICKING [BUTT] (be it through ethics legislation, or just a plain old series of SUPER rabbit punches to Tom Delayâ€™s kidneys).
- Design a costume that would readily signify his SUPERNESS (and really accentuate his muscular thighs. What can he say? He loves to bike!)
Also, heâ€™d need to develop a trademark quip, something like â€œYouâ€™ve been filibustered, baby!â€ or â€œWHOâ€™S YOUR DADDY NOW, FRIST, YOU DITHERING [*ahem*]!â€
- Have a SUPER secret hideout with lots of cool technological gizmos at his disposal that will allow him to find and kill Usama Bin Laden, end the North Korean and Iranian nuclear threats, and provide every American with affordable health care. (For that latter, consider divvying up Ted Kennedy and Jay Rockefellerâ€™s collective fortunes).
- IMPEACH BUSH!*