My MacBook arrived today. I’ve plugged it in and verified that it 1) suspends on lid close 2) runs at a decent speed and 3) does not crash when USB peripherals are plugged in. Thus far, I’m ahead of my last experience by three whole points.
Reinstalling the OS to remove all the extraneous software Apple “helpfully” installs out-of-the-box. I’ll let y’all know more once that’s done.