A brief question, dear readers:
What, precisely, is the proper workplace restroom response to a coworker who, by all appearances, is talking to his toilet bowl, other than fleeing the scene at top speed?
Follow-up question:
What is the proper response when encountering said coworker in the hallway later in the day? (Note that he is likely unaware of your overhearing his auditory restroom transgressions.)
Bonus points will be issued for suitably humorous responses.
Dear Abby…
Answer 1: “Holy crap! Your’s talks too?”
OR
“Xmas already?”
Answer 2: “So (name), did you get the resolution you were looking for back there?:
OR
“Hey pottymouth!”
OR
“Dude – you know that part in Austin Powers where he can’t control his inner monoluge? Yeah, about that…”
To be quite frank, those are awesome.
Although this particular fellow bears a striking resemblance in appearance and mannerisms to Tom Smykowski, thus I’m far more likely to get a “We’re all screwed!” out of him than normal conversation.
Plus, I’ve been working there for 6 years and I don’t think he yet knows my name — I’m always “Hey, guy!” in the halls…
His mental armor may be too thick for such to pierce, is what I’m trying to say.
How about “Who does #2 work for?” He probably wouldn’t get it, but you’d have a good chuckle.
Or how about, “So, that 26 foot tapeworm you’ve been living for years with finally poked his head out and talked to you?”
There’s always “I heard you flirting with me in the stall in the men’s bathroom this morning. I never knew you had feelings for me. Give me some time to think, OK?” And then walk away quickly.
If none of those get a good response, trail him for a few days to find out approximately when he does his daily duties. Then about 5 minutes before, go to the bathroom ahead of him and install a pressure and voice-activated recording on the underside of the toilet seat. As soon as sits down and starts talking to it, the recording can kick in with the following message, (use a voice from Rodney Dangerfield) “I know how you feel. The view is pretty much the same all day for me as well. And yes, I also feel like everyone gives me crap. It’s nice to finally have a friend who understands. Can we do this every day?”
Shane “Deep Fried Turkey” Filer