I’ve always been slightly creeped out by the larger-than-life posters advertising Joel Osteen’s latest Christian self-help tomes yet couldn’t put a finger on why, exactly. It finally struck me when I was confronted by yet another poster at the train station next to the farmers’ market we frequent and my mental calculus put two and two together:
He looks precisely like the bizarre love-child of Tim Allen and Martin Short. So, off to Teh Intarwebs I went to grab some photographic fodder, with the intention of producing the image you see above. Little did I know what I was getting myself into.
Apparently, Osteen is not merely a well-spoken mild heretic but a young lieutenant in the Beast Prophets From Hell1, recruited by the CIA during his time at Oral Roberts University, well-known hotbed of government-sponsored mind control experiments. This collection of false prophets includes Pat Robertson and Billy Graham, both of whom, and I am not making this up, are Illuminati/Masons (levels 32 and 33, respectively) and are known to throw up the Satanic Salute every once in a while.2
Other noted Satanists apparently include Laura, Jenna and George, all three of whom are known to swear fealty to the Dark Lord via carefully-coded hand signals, or so one might be led to suspect. Also, the entire state of Texas is populated by Satanists, given this evidence (well, except for Aggie fans).
Several of the Beast Prophets are known to inhabit UFOs that circle the globe awaiting the perfect opportunities to descend to Earth and invade people’s near-death experiences to deceive them into believing that they have seen Jesus.
Additionally, and once again, I am not making this up, Lucifer himself has taken direct control of the Illuminati (Fnord!) and leads them himself, meaning Robertson, Graham, T.D. Jakes and others are all Illuminati, Masons, members of the Beast Prophets (From Hell!) and direct-reports to Satan. Seriously, they’re the next tier down on the Org Chart Of Hades3.
Therefore, my revised Internet Calculus probably ought to read something like this:
It’s a good thing I didn’t go looking for photographic proof that Hamid Karzai is the result of Ben Kingsley mating with himself, or…
Awww, who am I kidding:
1This would make an excellent name for a band.
2Please note: this post pokes fun at the deranged rantings of an obviously misled and/or disturbed soul. The author holds none of it to be true and roughly on the same level as Scientology. Dum-da-dum-dum-dummmm!
3Title track from The Beast Prophets From Hell‘s forthcoming long-form LP, available soon at all FYE locations.