Gustatory Assault And Battery

“Sir, put down the burrito and step away from the car!”


CLOVIS, N.M. – A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. All over a giant burrito.

Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt.


State police, Clovis police and the Curry County Sheriff’s Department arrived at the school shortly after 8:30 a.m. They searched the premises and determined there was no immediate danger.


Russell said the mystery was solved after she brought everyone in the school together in the auditorium to explain what was going on.

“The kid was sitting there as I’m describing this (report of a student with a suspicious package) and he’s thinking, ‘Oh, my gosh, they’re talking about my burrito.'”

Afterward, eighth-grader Michael Morrissey approached her.

“He said, ‘I think I’m the person they saw,'” Russell said.

The burrito was part of Morrissey’s extra-credit assignment to create commercial advertising for a product.

“We had to make up a product and it could have been anything. I made up a restaurant that specialized in oddly large burritos,” Morrissey said.

After students heard the description of what police were looking for, he and his friends began to make the connection. He then took the burrito to the office.

“The police saw it and everyone just started laughing. It was a laughter of relief,” Morrissey said.

I think the kid may have an added advantage in his extra credit assignment, as his experience practically writes the slogans for his giant burrito:

“So good, it ought to be illegal.”

“Want to try a Mega Burrito? Feeling lucky, punk?”

“Deluxe Burrito: It’s Not the Bomb.”

Rest Is Good For The Strongly-Opinionated Syndicated Columnist’s Soul

James Lileks took a break from writing Bleats for good portion of March and April in order to finish an upcoming book. ‘Twould appear as if the brief sojourn has done wonders for his pontificating side. Since his return, Lileks has eviscerated anti-Papists and “reform-minded” “Catholics”, delievered a crushing blow to the U.S. Senate, destroyed an idiotic pro-library campaign using Mao Tse-Tung as a figurehead, and mercilessly ridiculed an offensive new line of “Bratz” toys that encourage teenage pregnancy for all intents and purposes. Today’s entry takes severe umbrage with Entertainment Weekly’s review of the new film Palindromes without actually taking sides:

So the two camps are morally equally, inasmuch as both are imperfectly conceived and realized by the characters in the film. Rewind: the mom is pro-choice but doesn’t grasp its “Spiritual toll.” The group-home mom doesn’t prize the “ideosyncracies” of the cast-off children she takes care of. “So who’s really pro-life?” The question makes no sense, but we’re so used to the construction, the false premise, the setting up of disparate ideas as moral equals, that we nod and say “ah, yes. Indeed.” What’s he trying to say? One’s pro-life credentials are tarnished if you don’t allow life to be all stumpy and weird and freaky, and pro-choice people should consider that abortion can be as much of a bummer. Both you sides, hang your head in shame! You’re both cut rate. Now shake. See? That was easy.

It’s the sort of argument that marks the Modern Mind in its most facile and aggravating: the presence of hypocrisy on both sides renders both equally suspect; wisdom is best manifested by posing trick questions; people who believe stuff are all alike, in a way, inasmuch as they believe stuff, and what’s most dangerous is not what you believe, but how much you believe it. Conviction is good if the last word in your credo is “but.” Otherwise you’re a fundamentalist.

Let’s face it: the man is on rhetorical fire these days. I, for one, am glad to have his full virtual “voice” back, as my days hardly felt complete during the Bleat’s absence.